Issues

Issues relating to me.

• I have a need for control, and need to work on releasing control to others.
• I have issues with my body image. I am working through these in therapy. I am beautiful on many levels, including my appearance. I started this in January, declaring 2006 the year of Rebecca. Now it truly is the year of Rebecca.
• I allowed myself to lose sight of who I am. I have now taken charge of ME.
• I do not need to feel guilty for taking time for myself to do things only about me.
• I need to not supress my free spirit within and allow myself to do the things I want to. (like the tattoo I have wanted for 15 years)

Issues relating to us. Lessons learned.

• Our marraige lacked intimacy once I was pregnant with Max. Much of this is due to my body image issues, and the feeling that Brian could not love me when I was pregnant or overweight. (regardless of what he said)
• We needed to open the lines of communication and keep them open. A good marriage requires effort. If we had been able to communicate better, I believe we would not be divorcing.
• We each made time for ourselves, and for our children, but not time for eachother. One date every six months was not enough to nurture the relationship.
• Simple gestures like holding hands, walking arm-in-arm, a kiss on the neck, go a long way towards building intimacy.
• My control issues made me reluctant to leave Brian with the boys and do things for myself. I had been working on that prior to his departure, but it was too little, too late.

I got it!

Tuesday I interviewed for the Bodysculpting trainer job. I got it! Amazing since I looked like a wreck after therapy. At least I had an hour to recover on my drive there from therapy. I have to go get my CPR certification, and I train in January. I'll sub after that until I know where I'll be living, and then they will set me up with a class.

I AM SO EXCITED!

Yup.

The pattern - falling in love, falling out of love, finding a new love,
falling out of that one, and then finding another, ad infinitum - is very
typical of depression. It's driven by the absolutely conviction that if you
change partners, change jobs, change locale, change your life . . . well, then
you can leave the troubled present behind and start anew. The realization that
all of this is caused by the depression comes later, if at all.

- Anne Sheffield, Depression Fallout

Fun and the Flu!

This weekend the boys and I headed to the Arellano's for some food and fun. Unfortunately, Max got sick Friday night, and threw up at 4 am. By the time we got up at 7, I was really sick! Max was doing much better Saturday, and his fever was not as high, but mine was way up! The drive home was very long because I felt so lousy, but the kids were great. We all fell asleep on the familyroom floor when we got home!

The Bolenbaugh legacy continues.

I am going to be an aunt! I am the first person they told, and I am so excited! Max and Alex will have another cousin to play with! Hooray!

Man, this breaks my heart.

R-
I just wanted to say how much I love you for making that wonderful meal yesterday, For giving me time in the basement and then for putting both kids to bed. I really do appreciate it and I feel I am so lucky to have you!
I love you very much.
--B

Where did this man go? He loved me. I loved him. He was a wonderful husband. We had a great life, and a happy home. It is all shattered. I never would have thought that in 10 months, our lives would be so incredibly unhinged.

My thoughts on communication

I have asked that Brian and I attend joint counseling in order to improve our communication, and work through some of our issues in marriage in order to have a successful divorce. He doesn't see it as being necessary, as he says we are getting better at communicating.

How have we gotten better? The man who promised me the world in order to be out of my evil grasp then served me separation papers via email. We never once discussed the terms of the separation prior to my being served. The settlement proposal was a far cry from anything he had previously offered. Is that effective communication?

I truly believe he is/was seeing someone else and will not tell me. Is that effective communication?

He informed me at 10pm last night that a realtor would be here this morning, giving me no time to prepare the house. Is that effective communication?

Everything that has happened thus far has been about Brian. His need to get out of this marriage, and do it on his terms. I have not made a single decision about where things are heading since he left. It seems the Brian Show continues.

I LOVE KERRY USECHE

And the winner is...

Brian. I have been served separation papers. Consider me KO'd.

I get to keep my job!

What a huge stress has been lifted! I can't believe it. I am also interviewing in 2 weeks to become an instructor for bodysculpting. This will not only allow me to take the classes for free, but it will give me great motivation to continue the classes. Last night there were 18 people in the class. We normally have 6. It was so cool to see all the new faces, and feel their excitement.